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I never thought it'd be this hard when my Jacob moved. It seems like as time goes by I miss him more and it's not going away. I talk to him daily, at least a Hello or something. I find myself thinking about him a lot. I find no interest in any other guys, my mom thinks I should find a nice guy that's not a Marine (I'd like that too, eventually) but I'm really completely uninterested right now. He still has the necklace I made him...

The story was, I made him a necklace (like one of the hemp twisty knotted sort of one) and I was going to give it to him. But then we went to the mall and I got upset because he said he was going to be leaving in February (at the time that's when he thought he was getting out) and I was upset because I didn't want another person to leave me.... It was awkward for a little while as we walked around, we got in his truck on a rainy day like today and he said he was gonna take a nap and we were arguing over what we were going to do next. I wasn't going to give him the necklace... he was being grumpy and indecisive and frustrating. But after a while I took his hand and put the necklace in his hand (he was pretending to sleep) and closed his hand around it. He took his hand back and secretly looked at the necklace and then looked at me. He said he liked it and he was trying to hide that he liked it. He had trouble faking the grumpiness after that. He genuinely liked it. And he says he still has it hanging up in his room =]

I want something of his, or something made by him, to take with me everywhere I go. I realize I may have more feelings for him than I thought. I try to suppress my feelings, the affectionate feelings that make me feel attached to people. But Being away from him, the words he has said to me, I think it's true what I now believe i feel for him. GMW

Bloggingbrit will not be happy.

P.s. I feel great that I no longer have that "teen" word attached to the end of my name, but I'm sad that the waiter and the (embarrassing) Italian opera singer that sings for birthdays thought I was 15 or 16... Why do I look so much younger than my age?! It's unbelievably frustrating.

Two Songs

Two songs I haven't been able to get out of my head. The first has an amazing video someone made to go with the song. The second was the song played at the end of Twilight when Bella and Edward are dancing together at prom =]

Let Me Sign - Rob Pattinson



Flightless Bird/American Mouth - Iron & Wine

Employment

It's been well over a month since my last post (if we ignore the 'test' post of my cat, now deleted (the post, not the cat)), and a lot has happened. The main thing being I got a job!

I'm now working in another call centre. This time I'm actually on the telephones. It's odd that I've managed to avoid telephones during the last 5 years of me working in call centres, but prior to that I have had 6 years of telephone based call centre work, so I have plenty of experience.

There was a two week training session which I've just completed, and that is followed by a week of watching someone else work, then after that I do 'proper' work. Sometime in the near future I hope to progress and do some techie stuff on the phones, and after that, who knows, maybe more non-phone work!

Hope you got all that.

Finally Heard His Voice Again

I tried on some standard military issued glasses today, prescription ones both clear and tinted (two separate pairs) and my friend who had them kept wearing them and he looked so funny haha. I took some pictures.

Also, my Jacob called me today because I was texting him and he said he was going to a cabin and would lose cell reception up there, so he called and left me a short little voicemail saying hi and he missed me and he would be back on Sunday so he could talk to me then =]

I saved the message. It's been a while since I heard his voice. I miss him so much. Part of me feels like he never left, because we still text like we used to, except there are a lot of "I miss you" messages exchanged and him saying he misses our team (he still refers to it as "our" team even though he doesn't play on it anymore since he moved). So the texting is basically the same, but it's hard not being able to see him and throw my arms around him and climb on his back, or to have him point to his cheek and lean his face towards me, requesting kisses. Or him singing to me in the car. Or what he did which I found really adorable is whenever we would lay together (just cuddling) he would always lift the bottom of our shirts a little so our skin was touching. Like we watched a movie once and I was laying on top of his back while he lied on the couch on his stomach, and he lifted up the back of his shirt and the front of mine a little so my bare skin was against his. It was comforting I think to feel that a little bit, and I miss it now.

Why am I saying all this? I don't know. I don't hate thinking about him, I love thinking about him, he makes me happy. And I don't mind being sad, because it's a different kind of sad than I've felt with boyfriends dumping me. Jacob left with us on a good note. He told me last night he wants to come fly back out already, but he can't afford it yet. Possibly spring break or summer though. Funny thing is, when people used to asked me where I wanted to transfer to after 2 years at this college I'm at now, I said "somewhere cold, with hockey, like Minnesota" and now I have a reason to go there. I wish I could at least see him once a month, or just for my birthday!! I'd be so happy. Heyyy!! Maybe we can plan on seeing Eclipse (3rd book from the Twilight Saga) when it comes out in June =] Make it a little tradition now to see all the Twilight movies together. He is my Jacob after all. Except if I were Bella, I'd probably pick Jacob, not Edward.

My Jacob really was pretty cool. He had adorable quirks, and now he's gone I find I have inherited some of his quirkiness into me, probably because it reminds me of him and makes me happy. Just little expressions he always used, the way he says certain things. I am exhibiting some of his personality traits now, but just the little things. I keep a picture of him in my car on my dashboard (don't worry, it's not obstructing any important gauges, just the gas gauge, but I have a setting on my ODO/TRIP thingy that says how many miles of gas I have left. Actually easier to keep track of than the gas gauge itself!!) so I can have something pleasant to look at when I'm driving and stuck in traffic.

ALRIGHT!! I'LL SHUT UP!! I'm sure Bloggingbrit is angry by now if he has even gotten this far. He doesn't like it when I ramble on like that.. Sorry!!

Oh final note... Jack Johnson was interviewed in the Olympic Opening Ceremonies!! He is the Men's Team U.S.A. Olympic Hockey Team representative!! I love you JMFJ!! Haha.

Not to mention I had an oddly comforting dream about Ryan Miller (hopefully our starting goalie for Team USA's hockey team) and Rob Pattinson (not together in the same dream, but right after one another). I can't remember all the details now, but I know I woke up feeling warm and happy inside. It was comforting.

Neat Video, Inside a Cell

I had my two early classes this morning and my Biology professor showed the class this video. It's pretty cool and I like the music in it. Like he said, if after you watch this you still DON'T want to be a cell biologist, there's something wrong with you haha. Check it out, it's pretty awesome (though I am a science nerd so my opinion is of course biased =])

Dunno

Alright it's been a while since I posted. Over a week. I've been sad dealing with not having my Jacob around.

I got to talk to Bloggingbrit today... well he mumbled and I apparently shouted (though I wasn't really shouting) and I forgot how much he sounds like a speedway guy I know. I was giggling. Oh yeah I have to remember to call him at 10:30 to make sure he is up... that is if I'm still up haha. I should be.

Anyway, that's my small little post. I don't know how long the cat picture would have been up there if I didn't post =P

Bella Wants More Recoil

My goodbye with my Jacob was sweet. I saw his eyes get watery. I managed to hold back sobs but tears were streaming the whole time. I don't feel like going into detail about the words we exchanged but it was sweet. He kept apologizing, he didn't really want to go, but he had commitments back home to take care of. He made sure I knew what he thought of me, the nicest person he's ever met. He took on the protecting Marine role for the first time, first time ever for me to get that from someone. Making sure I'd never let anyone take advantage of me because I was truly a nice person. He swept me off my feet with ease, like I didn't weight more than a small child, and said "I'm taking you with me" as he proceeded to stick me in his truck. Only joking though and he set me down and hugged me tightly, though still considering what it'd be like if he really could take me with him. He said one other thing that shocked me... he told me I was perfect. He also mentioned that he could get cheap plane tickets.. giving me slight hope that he would consider coming back out to see me sometime. That made me feel good too =]

Since then, I've been trying to keep myself busy in order to prevent myself from thinking about him leaving and being on his way home. I was with my friend from class and he took me for a drive along the San Diego coast and I could see the stormy ocean the whole time out my window. And with the cliffs here and there it made me want to jump off one like Bella cliff diving in the ocean in La Push to get the adrenaline rush to see her Edward. Only if I did that, my Jacob wouldn't be there to save me. The rain was exciting though. I took a lot of pictures. I had a good time just driving and looking at the stormy ocean and the huge waves crashing and standing in the rain watching it slam into the jetty by the seal beach.

Today after class I followed my same friend to his house and played some video games and hung out... met his dad... saw his hockey room... and his sister's wonderful choice in posters on her ceiling above her bed (all Twilight... Jacob, Bella, and Edward). Then I got a call from my other friend, who I had just talked to about wanting to go shoot some guns, and he needed someone with him at the shooting range, so my friend I was with and I drove down to the firing range and I shot my first real gun ever in my life. I was scared shitless because the Mauser 8mm was soooooo loud. I was literally picked up and carried to the gun and forced to shoot because I was chickening out. But I did shoot a few rounds, it was surprisingly much easier to SHOOT than to WATCH... I took pictures. My friend also had never shot a gun before so we were nervous together. But the friend who wanted us to come down in the first place has fired guns before so he was teaching us. He had to stand behind me and hold me the first time I was up to shoot because I was freaking out. He decided to shoot a .500 (a 50 caliber round) rifle... the CBC S & W .500 Mag-R and the recoil on that was INSANE... he was hurting after like 5 shots, he only bought a packet of 5 bullets.

This is the gun we all shot. The Mauser. It was fun to use the bolt action and the recoil felt good when I fired it. It was heavy so I had to lean against the counter thing when I shot but on the target sheet I beat the boys and got 2 of 3 shots in the middle target, while the boys got theirs waaay high at the top of the sheet. This was my bullet I shot... the BIGGER ones haha. The recoil on it felt good... The boys thought I was afraid of the recoil but I was more afraid of the sound. It was a completely new experience to me but to be honest, the kick felt awesome. I'd never really felt anything like it before and I have a feeling me and my friend might be spending more time at the range than I had ever dreamed I would. If you have never fired a gun, go out and try even a small rifle just once. It feels great.

This is the gun my friend used afterward and it kicked back so hard he could barely handle 5 shots. The CBC S&W Rifle. The second from the right is what this gun shot.. I think.. its a 50 caliber shot like this.

Below is a clip of a guy shooting what I shot


This is what my friend shot that almost tore his shoulder off haha.



It was all fun though. And there was a guy right next to us shooting a .308 Sniper Rifle and wholly shit that was loud. Everyone on the range was jumpy whenever he fired that thing and the entire room lite up with a bright white light as it shot. It was scary.... this is what he was using... except we were in an indoor range and it was RIGHT NEXT TO US.... soooo loud. Too loud even with ear protection like this guy is wearing. I was hiding behind my bigger friend who was sitting on a stool watching (he is 6'4" and like 220lbs... hockey player)



It was scary at first... but my friend was very helpful I guess you could say (the one that knew what he was doing) and I'd do it again but not with that sniper next to me. I'm starting to seek adrenaline stuff... things outrageous to do that I normally wouldn't do in order to keep myself sidetracked. Sort of like Bella in a way but I'm not looking to see anyone, just to do exciting things to not think about the sad things.

Jacobs Leaves

Tonight was possibly the last time I was able to hang out and see my Jacob Black. He is moving on Thursday back to his real home. He said he would come back and visit. He has lots of friends here. He promised he wouldn't forget me. I'm already struggling with the thought that my other wing will be gone. My own personal space heater, gone. The one that sings to me in the car, gone. The one that asks for little kisses on the cheek, gone. My secret friend in the team locker room, gone. The guy who wants me to go with him to get slurpees at 11pm, gone. My first kiss of the new year, gone. The one that got me into Twilight in the first place, gone.

The storm came in tonight. Supposed to rain for a week straight. I hope it does.

Pants on the Ground

American Idol started yesterday here... I just wanted to mention this one guy, it's stuck in my head the song he sang... Pants on the Ground...

No Shit, Sherlock. Haha

Saturday night I went to go see Sherlock Holmes with my Jacob. We had to go to the next town over to see it at the time we needed, and we ended up running into a familiar Alumni that's on our team so we had to try and hide ourselves so that he wouldn't see us and recognize us, then the whole team would know that we are kinda of closer friends than they think. Anyway, it was a great movie, I would definitely recommend it. I love Holmes, he's so... I don't know, sort of like, tough to explain haha. But he's great.

After that I had to go out and I bought the entire Sherlock Holmes collection in two volumes. It's in the Classics section at Barnes & Noble and they are having a special right now, buy 2 get the 3rd one free, so I bought Volume I and II, and threw in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for free because I've never read it. Not even sure what it's about. But the Sherlock Holmes has all the short stories and adventures as well as the 4 novels. All combined (with tiny print) in 2 volumes. I really like the covers of the books too.

Tonight I was texting my friend from school, the one that retaught me everything and got me to pass Chemistry, and he's been wanting to hang out for a week or two now so he decided to come down and we went min golfing, since I still had some free passes. We each won a course (there were two courses), played a bunch of video games, including this real cool shooting game. The gun were fully automatic and had kickback and everything. It felt good. I didn't want to stop playing but we were out of tokens. It was fun though. Spent about 2 hours there.